The Golden Rules, by Puzzle Charleson, search dog and philosopher
Puzzle on the porch of La Folie des Chiots
The Golden Rules, by Puzzle Charleson, search dog & philosopher
The Golden Rules #1 –
The tennis ball that lands in the mud is The Best Ball for retrieving, for loving, for sporting artfully across the floor.
The Golden Rules #2 –
Golden Dog must lie crosswise on any bed human also lies on. Not parallel — crosswise. Belly up. Gaseous. And kick in dog sleep.
The Golden Rules #3 –
Humans need assistance with all tasks, but may be shy to request help. Get involved in the bed making, the sweeping, the trips to the bathroom!
The Golden Rules #4 –
Shoes are there for the taking. Do not chew, try not to slobber, but really, if they are on the floor they must be yours. Your human’s following speed is in direct proportion to shoe style, heel height, and ornamentation. Try this fun experiment! See how much faster your human moves when you steal her shoe called ‘Manolo’ versus her shoe called ‘Nike.’ A paradox.
The Golden Rules #5 –
When humans in your house are sick, this is the time to show your best shining self. Not for your gain, but theirs. The well-placed head on the knee, the loving eye gaze, the contented sigh. Never doubt the healing power of a timely tail-thump. These are all in the vocabulary of your deep dog happiness. Share it.
The Golden Rules #6 –
On a dewy morning just after the lawn has been mowed the night before, go out and have a roll! This is the very best time to do it. Soft grass and water. What’s not to like? Roll, roll, roll until you are smudged green all over and bristle like a Chia pet — then come inside and give a really good shake.
The Golden Rules #7 –
After a good dinner, cuddle up and gaze at your human with deep affection: You O Bringer of Kibble, O Filler of Bowl, I Adore Thee. Lean in, as if to give a little ‘thank you’ kiss on the cheek. Look deep into your human’s eyes. Belch.
The Golden Rules #8 –
Befriend house kittycat. Encourage house kittycat’s lack of scruples. All that leaping! Clever paws! Praise her ability to knock foodstuffs from the counter to the floor. Eat it up and practice looking innocent. When kittycat ignores all scolding and prisses off to bat a bug on the screen, put your head on your human’s knee and huff a sigh: “I’m so sorry kittycat is such a trouble. Golden dog would never do that.”
The Golden Rules #9 –
In the presence of your human, find that shaft of sunlight in the morning garden and strike a pose. Head up, shoulders strong, plume tail poised. Yes, you snuck a drink from the toilet ten minutes ago, but in this moment you are a hero — your human’s hero — and breathtaking.
The Golden Rules #10 –
The best roll to shred is the *last* roll of toilet paper in the house. So soft. So satisfying. Watch humans frenzy! Again: bob head sorrowfully toward cat.
The Golden Rules #11 — Rain puddles bring out your inner tap dancer. Gene Kelly on his best day would wish he were as good as you. Dance wild, dance free, oh happy canine. Go out Golden, come in a spotted dog. Genius.
The Golden Rules #12 — It may be your bed, but I was here first.
The Golden Rules #13 – You may have a person name, but I think of you as ‘home.’ I would rather be with you than anywhere else.
The Golden Rules #14 — Hello, my person! (Here’s my toy.) Welcome home! I’ve missed you, my person (Here’s my toy.) It’s been a long day without you! (Here’s my toy.) And may I say …you … look (here’s my toy) … fabulous? Oh, and here’s my toy.
The Golden Rules #15 — Any new garden installation must be inspected. Go ahead and get in there! Nip off the blooms of one-in-four impatiens. This is not so much a taste test as a Preventative Safety Measure. Also lie in the new sweet alyssum — maybe roll a little! — to test its resilience. Your person will be grateful for all this help.
The Golden Rules #16 — the fabulous, disgusting thing you find in the yard is best shared with your person in the early hours of the morning, when they are most receptive. Put it at the foot of the bed or — best! — in the middle of a dark hallway leading to the bathroom. Fun for all.
The Golden Rules #17 — Teachable moment at the vet’s office: not every kittycat loves you like house kittycat does. Stitches on Golden muzzle not required. This time. Sigh.
The Golden Rules #18 — Drop Favorite Toy in the bathtub with your person to make a sort of soup.
The Golden Rules #19 — Baby, it’s hot outside. Take a nice long drink and then walk through the house with your soft mouth full of water, dribbling on cats, small dogs, and the slick tile floor alike. A hippo is tidier than you are with water. Work it.
The Golden Rules #20 — I have no idea how your slipper got in the litter pan.
The Golden Rules #21 — I have no idea who cleaned her pawpad on your new satin comforter and drooled a wet spot shaped like Idaho.
The Golden Rules #22 — Science is good. Huff a snort up sleeping house kittycat’s backside and watch her defy gravity!
The Golden Rules #23 — Teach your person that ice cream magically tastes better when it’s shared … with the Goldendog. Also giving Goldendog the cone tip is lucky.
The Golden Rules #24 — I am Golden. Hear me snore.
The Golden Rules #25 — Why yes, I am a lap dog. I’m not too big — just generously proportioned for warmth and comfort.
The Golden Rules #26 — Please weed around me where I lie in the soft garden, my person, and when you are done and I get up, you will have the shape of Golden in clover and dollarweed. This will look like a miracle! Which I am.
The Golden Rules #27 — Sometimes when you least expect it, I am so beautiful I break your heart.
The Golden Rules #28 — That grey, tattered, slobbery, gutless woobie trailing what’s left of its last leg is my favorite. Will always be my favorite. Here, let me bring him to you. See how beautiful he is with that dangly eye and love-worn coat? Let us play a little tug and dismember him together.
The Golden Rules #29 — While you gibber on the cell phone, feel free to trust me with that sandwich.
The Golden Rules #30 — My Golden kindred: when little mysteries occur (sandwich? what sandwich?) find house kittycat and assume a deeply sorrowful position: head between paws, deep quavering sigh. While it is not necessary to actually point at house kittycat, a good eyeroll in her general direction can be useful! Follow with a tentative little wag that says — “But we’re okay [thump-thump-thump] because I’m goooood.”
The Golden Rules #31 — Share the good dog vibe! I present to you my belly for scratching. Brings luck. Try it. When back leg kicks, double the luck.
The Golden Rules #32 — In the backyard, practice aimless wandering. Exquisite nonchalance. Pretty day. Cool air. Nice flowers. Sniff, sniff. Doo-dee-doo. Then … DASH ACROSS THE YARD AND FLUSH THE SQUIRRELS. Ha. That’ll teach ‘em.
The Golden Rules #33 — You have 632 nicknames for me, and I smile at every one of them.
The Golden Rules #34 — It takes so little to be joy, to feel delicious. Patch of grass, slide of sun on dog back, a sneak treat of bacon. Come, my person, let us be delicious over some small thing together: like this sidewalk-crispy earthworm. Will you roll first, or shall I?
The Golden Rules #35 — No matter how much TIDE you use on those pants, I still know you’ve been with another dog. (How could you.)
The Golden Rules #36 — Today we may require a doughnut. Why, look! Here are the car keys! It’s fate! Kismet!
The Golden Rules #37 — My person, know the world as I do. Another dog’s poop yields an eloquent calligraphy. Dog journalism and dog memoir: of places traveled, things ate, a touch of local flora, the remembrance of chipmunk passed. Squirrel pellets read more like Morse: Woohoo.Nuts.Later.Dude.Gotta.Run.
The Golden Rules #38 — a universally safe procedure is to let the Golden taste test all meat-stuffs sacrificed upon the grill. No plate necessary. We are glad to do this. We are here to serve.
The Golden Rules #39 — A morning drive-by lick of the cheek or the elbow is a fine way to say “Hello, you’re tasting good this morning. The Golden is here, let the party begin.”
The Golden Rules #40 — But my person! reconsider! The toilet water is so sparkly!
The Golden Rules #41 — For Goldendog birthday, I want Frosty Paws shaped like squirrel. My person, Get Right On This.
The Golden Rules #42 — You are sorely mistaken if you think this washed dog bed smells better than it did when rich with the scent of Goldendog. It took me weeks to pummel, muddy, and mellow it to my exacting specifications. ‘Lemon Fresh,’ indeed. What am I, a fruit basket?
The Golden Rules #43 — I know it’s a new rug, down only five minutes. I lie on it now, that you might Behold the Glory That is Golden in a new and exotic context. That’s why you *bought* the rug, isn’t it? I approve.
The Golden Rules #44 — We are lucky to have such love between us. Let’s seal the deal with ice cream, what say.
The Golden Rules #45 — Why of course that pair of underwear I found was the perfect addition to your party.
The Golden Rules #46 — I cannot imagine your life before me, my person. I don’t think you can, either.
The Golden Rules #47 — If you ask me, dog heaven sits beach-side. A stream for splashing, a lake for swimming, plus a buffet table in the middle serving perpetual grilled chicken, doughnuts, Cheetos and ice cream. A whole host of angels in flip-flops and madras. Think ‘Sandals’ with woobies. And no leash laws.
The Golden Rules #48 — So we watch a little baseball, you and I, a peculiar game with thrown balls and much running, but not one player makes a catch with his mouth. And the ball’s a long time coming back to the person who threw it. We like this why?
The Golden Rules #49 — and can we talk about GOLF? The ball is never thrown, never retrieved. Not.one.time. Silly persons whack it about with a variety of sticks until they knock it into a gopher hole. Now, if that would provoke a gopher up for some chasing, it would be a better game. Who is in charge of this? Who do I call?
The Golden Rules #50 — If you can get past the whisker-tickling, house kittycat is good for a cuddle, full of beneficial white noise.
The Golden Rules #51 — Hot product idea! Glade should create new product line: ‘Dog House’. Make plug-ins w/the following fragrances: Dirty Clothes Hamper, Warm Horse Manure, Pan-fried Squirrel. Will sell these ideas for a small residual. There is $$ in this. 3.2 million retrievers can’t be wrong.
The Golden Rules #52 — Lie under the ceiling fan belly-up and streeettttcch to the fullest extension of your good dog self. Get in touch with the Universal Woobie. This is not being lazy — is canine yoga! Namadogaste: I honor the dog in you.
The Golden Rules #53 — Do not underestimate yon fuzzybutt squirrel. Those sticks and nut shards that dropped on you earlier in the yard? That was no accident, my dog friend. Plot carefully. These Insults Shall Not Go Unanswered.
The Golden Rules #54 — Gold is the new Green. No stunned silence required, my person, when you discover I have dismantled the box you so graciously put on the porch for me (for recycling). See here the thousands of dime-sized spit-soggy cardboard bits I have reduced it to! You may express your pleasure. You may pay homage.
The Golden Rules #55 — My person: hast thou considered the perfection of the donut? Its shape depicts the cycle of life, while the hole suggests the mighty potential of infinity. Also, it’s tasty. Let us seek out a donut I know and acquire wisdom. Now would be good.
The Golden Rules #56 — You wonder what I think about this dead bird in the road that we have moved together and carefully buried in the garden. I think she is dead, my person, and while I scent that great change, I can still hear the music of her living, which I think you cannot. Trust me on this. Her song is still there.
The Golden Rules #57 — Let us find a way to lure house kittycat into splash pool. She is far too close-minded. She will thank us,no doubt, for this respite from summer.
The Golden Rules #58 — New couch! Wow! Very comfy. Let me just …knock off this throw pillow. Ah. Better. Does this slipcover make me look fat?
The Golden Rules #59 — Important Safety Tip: House kittycat, when confronted in litterbox, has both ability to multi-task & a strong right hook.
The Golden Rules #60 — Stop oh yeah, wait a minute Mister Postman. I wasn’t so much chasing you as hurrying to ask why No One Sends Me Donuts.This whole mail thing is a mystery. Can you hook a puppy up?
The Golden Rules #61 — There’s a poem on the wind, borne by the man jogging this way, two blocks down. How much faster he runs today than yesterday! Each light step shakes a little of him free. I smell bliss, courage, optimism (you would call them dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine, clinical words to frame his passionate heart). Smell deeply this man in love. Also he had sausage for breakfast. Awesome.
The Golden Rules #62 — Haiku for a squirrel: Hot summer squirrel / On loose wire over my head / One oops, fuzzbutt’s mine
The Golden Rules #63 — My person, you wonder what great mystical thing is going on in my thoughts when I stand at the screen, full of dog ponder. I’m thinking in-ground pool shaped like a donut. I’m thinking personal treat dispenser that allows the Golden to reward herself every time she’s good. Which is always. I’m wondering how hard it would be to type your credit card number with my nose.
The Golden Rules #64 — Suitable for dreaming: bury your nose in your person’s shoe and contemplate journeys past. Where has (s)he gone? What has (s)he been doing? Action! Adventure! Groceries! Nothing like kicking back with a little smell-o-vision of an evening.
The Golden Rules #65 — Instruction: watch house kittycat on the screen porch as she covets passing squirrel. She is all round eye with nothing but a twitch of tail and a squeak of chittermouth to betray she isn’t stone. The squirrel comes closer. House kittycat is still. Young Goldens, watch and learn. Admire her flat catness.
The Golden Rules #66 — Another haiku (more of a hint, really): Pug next door has pool/Splash! makes summer sausage dog/While I stand wishing
The Golden Rules #67 — My person, today when we walk, why don’t I lead and *you* heel? Here’s where we would go: out the door, around the tree, back around the tree, through the garden, to the mailbox, stop, down the sidewalk east no down the sidewalk west, through those bushes — wait back through those bushes, stop, sniff-sniff-sniff. Yes, my person, today why don’t you heel? Hahaha it would be so funny.
The Golden Rules #68 — All those balls. All that bouncing. And not one Golden. I believe tennis is the cruelest game of all.
The Golden Rules #69 — My person, when you get up in the middle of the night and then come back, I have not ‘taken over your spot on the bed.’ I am simply *softening* your spot on the bed. Softening the spot takes at least eight hours. Come back tomorrow.
The Golden Rules #70 — I am your movie buddy, your good book friend. You like to feel me breathe. I am the softest footrest ever.
The Golden Rules #71 — You do not expect me to be a human; I do not think you are a dog. You love me for me. Surrounded by kindly persons, it’s my good dogness you still miss.
The Golden Rules #72 — I don’t turn off the TV in the middle of your movie. Let me sniff across this bush a little longer — last time you said ‘Leave It!’ just when things were getting good.
The Golden Rules #73 — Read my rough pads as a Braille of our adventures together: how many walks and years and excellent journeys. Other dogs aren’t so lucky. Let’s bring them home to trace a new dialogue beside us. (For the rescues, with love.)
The Golden Rules #74 — When neighbor grilling steaks does not know the difference between upwind & downwind, do not, O Goldens, instruct him. Let him stand a-wash in good steaksmoke, brave and mighty, face pink and eyes watering. Then let him bend over the fence toward us, smelling of tenderloin, medium rare. Perhaps one day he’ll be wiser. Perhaps one day he’ll cook on the upwind side of the grill. We hope not.
The Golden Rules #75 — the coolest, most comfortable spot on the floor is the one right in the middle of where you need to walk. My person, think of me not so much as an obstacle as a cosmic opportunity for spontaneous Pilates.
The Golden Rules #76 — Okay, I cannot personally read Harry Potter, but belly up and paws waving, I feel the need to conjure. EXPECTO SOFT TACO! (In which a Golden is protected by fast food and then later has it for a snack.)
The Golden Rules #77 — My paws smell like popcorn because I am magical. Rub my belly and grant me three wishes! (Whaddya mean it’s supposed to be the other way around? You got your wish. You’ve got *me.*)
The Golden Rules #78 — Prescription for a better day: Take one Golden, apply liberally every 1-2 hours or as needed for pain, not to exceed 24 Goldens in a one-day period. Caution: may be habit-forming. -=Rx Dr. Puz (please remit payment in donuts)
The Golden Rules #79 — Young Goldens take note: that sliver of lovely bath soap labeled ‘Sugar Cookie’ is not, in fact, a sugar cookie.
The Golden Rules #80 — Oh young Goldens, teach your humans the way that they should go. Do not wake too quickly, spring up too rapidly. To do so sets all the vicious bodily humours in motion. Best to blink. Snort. Yawn. Stretch back legs. Stretch forelegs. Wrap paws around eyes. Go back to sleep and repeat in an hour.
The Golden Rules #81 — In my great devotion, I may take out several breakables with my wagging tail as I follow you through the house. My person, think less of this as wreckage and more as dog-assisted Fung Shui. Thus we open up the flow of love and energy here. Thus we clear a faster path to the treat jar.
The Golden Rules #82 — I will not love you less when you get old, my person, my beloved friend in a new season. Will you give me similar grace? Let us make this pact of heart and faith together.
The Golden Rules #83 — In the long light of new morning, a gentle breeze blows. Bees hum among the flowers, and squirrels cavort across the lowest branches of the trees. Idyllic Golden in the garden, I wait beneath them, quite still. Watching. Waiting. Watching. Waiting. That’s not the song of coming autumn you hear, O squirrel – it’s the theme from JAWS.
The Golden Rules #84 — Young persons with earbuds on, wired to your pockets, on the way to school: pushing, jabbering, dawdling past the house. Come here a moment, little scholars, and receive Golden kisses and instruction. (Remember to sit. Remember to smile. Don’t forget to wash your paws.) I’ll take that Pop Tart if you don’t want it.
The Golden Rules #85 — Close encounters of the Auchenorrhyncha kind: little Goldens, put your nose to the screen where a cicada minds its own business. (Curious creatures, with their bubblewrap bodies, and perpetual stares, their cellophane wings.) Try this: huff a snort through the mesh up its cicada backside. How it shrieks and pinballs across the yard! The summer sound of buggy profanity. Enjoy.
The Golden Rules #86 — My person, if you do not wish me to wave your (underwire) (padded) (youth renew) bra through the window, perhaps you should not drop it on the floor.
The Golden Rules #87 –Young Goldens: Autumn is a time of merry mischief. Gaze upon the chittering squirrels, their hidden nut harvests. DigFest! In 5 minutes undo all that they have done in YOUR yard. Perplex your persons! Steal a shoe, transport it about the house, and as they scramble and #$&%! And wonder what you have done with it, PUT IT BACK EXACTLY WHERE IT WAS, slightly soggy. Look innocent. Cultivate a whistle (O talented Golden).
The Golden Rules #88 — That lovely pile of leaves you spent all afternoon raking, my person — it really would be best if you let The Golden, work it over for possible treasure before you bag it. There could be anything in there: a chest of rubies, a million dollars, (my favorite toy from two years ago, long lost). Do not hold me back. Do not miss this opportunity. You may already be a winner.
The Golden Rules #89 — I ignore the toy and prefer your shoe because it smells like you, my person. O rich, O marvelous, O highly-scented you. Want me to play with the new fuzzy Pooh-bear? Put it in your armpit for a couple of hours, and we’ll talk.
The Golden Rules #90 — O tender young Golden, it’s party season at your house! Next time a visiting person is ‘otherwise engaged,’ push through the unlatched bathroom door and watch. Comedy! Drama! Action! Adventure! It’s all there. Admission is Free.
The Golden Rules #91 — Toys are great and treats are very fine, but what I want for Christmas is an hour of your time, my person. Can we get away from the noise and the sparkly and take just an hour to be together? (Your paws smell good. / I like *your* hands. / You have a sweet, goofy smile. / Your voice makes me feel safe.) I want us for Christmas.
© 2009-2010, Susannah Charleson
All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without permission.
Contact: susannah[@]scentofthemissing.com
6 Responses to “The Golden Rules, by Puzzle Charleson, search dog and philosopher”
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Susannah Charleson's
Scent of the Missing chronicles the author's adventures with her golden retriever as members of a Texas-based canine search and rescue team.
Released in April 2010 by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, Scent of the Missing is available in bookstores near you and online from these popular booksellers:
3/31/10
Dear Susannah,
I am a member of Arizona Golden Rescue Glendale, Arizona. Through education at public appearances, AGR seeks to increase awareness and educate the public about the Golden Retriever breed and responsible dog ownership, in order to help reduce the unwanted dog population.
Together we will continue to succeed in our mission to rescue displaced Golden Retrievers and mostly-Golden mixes that have been abused, abandoned, neglected or unwanted, rehabilitate and place them into loving, forever homes.
I shared Puzzle’s Golden Rules with our President and editor of our quarterly newsletter The Golden Paw. We are both captivated with the love and heart expressed in your writing. Would you consent to them being reproduced in our next newsletter?
We are also looking forward to reading Scent of the Missing. Will you be touring in the Phoenix area? We would be so appreciative of obtaining a signed copy to auction at our next fundraiser. I have asked our book reviewer to include it in our next issue.
Many of our members and their Goldens are involved in therapy visits and reading programs in the Phoenix area. Goldens are amazing creatures and we think you and Puzzle exemplify the best of the best. Thank you.
It is as always,
For the love of our Goldens,
Kathy Blue
Arizona Golden Rescue
(623)566-WAGS (9247)
http://www.arizonagoldenrescue.org
organized as an all-volunteer, non-profit, 501 (c) (3) corporation
Hi Kathy — you can certainly use Puzzle’s Golden Rules in your newsletter. I created them with just that kind of use in mind! The copyright information is above, and as long as that’s at the bottom of the content, it’s all good.
I will contact the publisher about getting you a copy for the auction, and I’ll touch base with you by phone prior to that to discuss logistics, timing, etc., as the tour comes very soon. We do not have an Arizona stop in the tour at this point, but we are doing some events for rescue groups, etc. later in the year. If your group is at all interested in us possibly coming to an event of yours, drop me a line, and we’ll see what can be managed.
I’d like to include your rescue group on the listings here on this website under Gravy, as well.
Thanks so much for your kind words, and much love to your volunteers and the dogs they serve.
dogs love to sleep on warm dog beds that are padded with soft polystyrene foam”;*
[...] [...]
Just loved the book! I took it on a trip, and could not put it down! I was addicted to Puzzle!
I have had a black lab, but now its time to get another
critter, I plan to look at the Golden Labs.
I sa
Hi Nona. Thank you very much for reading ‘Scent.’ I love Labs (we used to have a beautiful black one on the team named ‘Cody’), and as you know, they are a *big* part of ‘Scent,’ so … give yours a hug from all of us. Maybe an ear rub, too.